remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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