I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
