i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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