When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
