goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
