Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
