there's paper in my vomit.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
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You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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