Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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