Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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