i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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