Christians are straight up FREAKS
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
