Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
