Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
