Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
