turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
