Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
