I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
