Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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