I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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