Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
