your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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