burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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