He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
