I can't breathe out the right side of my face
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
