you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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