P.S. I can't hear my feet
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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