Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
