k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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