I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
