Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Oh god it's open bar.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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