I think my fart just growled at me.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
