bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
