Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
