When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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