its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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