...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
