Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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