Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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