Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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