the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
