After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
