evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
