When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
