Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
