My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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