I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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