How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
