i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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