Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
