Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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