Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
