Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
