4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
