If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
