You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
