u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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