He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
