there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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